sing star, bikes, and a lot of thinking

its been a while since my last post. i think that might just be the way that it is.

i only know what date it is because tuesday was obama day (01.20.2009, seen on a bumper sticker near you). hooray! hooray! just like the day after the election i've been full of elation. luckily the danish people feel it too. i learned today that 95% of denmark favored his election. imagine that. according to one of my new teachers, in most countries he would have won by over 65%. strange strange america.

since i wrote last i went to a bike auction, started orientation, listened to a wind ensemble, heard speeches about denmark, attended "survival danish" (where i learned that written words do not correspond with any pronunciation i am familiar with), went for more walks, met people, ran all over copenhagen on a sunny day.

my health has been kind of wacky: waking up in the middle of the night with an upset stomach, thinking i have a fever in the middle of the day, headaches. but it hasn't bothered me much. i don't know if this is because the feelings are mild, or because i have gotten so much better at dealing with discomfort.

today was the first day of classes. i like them, they are interesting and not that much work. different subjects than what i usually take at wesleyan: how to make a website, danish immigration, and female artists.

the people here are alright so far. its harder to find students here with similar interests than it is at wesleyan. i'm just waiting it out.

the fantastic news is that i love my host family. they are so interesting and helpful and i can tell that the feeling is mutual. kika and henning were telling me the other night how much more time they all spend together now that i am here. they listen to what i have to say and we have a really nice back and forth. clearly this situation is working for all of us.

i am well. its that kind of thing where nothing of note is really going on except small good things. i play video games with my eleven year old host brother (sing star!). i make dinner with my host mom who likes trying new foods while i am here. almost everything that "happens", happens internally. i am trying to love myself better. i am trying to tell a story of myself with more strength and power than in the past. i am trying to be open to new feelings and emotions i've pushed away before.

in the words of ulysse: this is all practice, this is all process. i got myself out of the usual environment to try different patterns too hard for me to imagine before: living slower, being on time, keeping my room neat, spending more alone time with myself, riding my bike, reading. a lot more seems possible now that i am out of my comfort zone / i am making myself my own comfort zone.

i generally feel open to whatever comes. right before i left nyack i felt full of this happy, grateful energy and it hasn't gone away. its almost like my brain is trying to adjust to it and make it permanent. i'm enjoying writing on this blog and thinking about it. for a really long time i have kept my personal take on my life to myself (because i think that is what most people do), so its interesting to open that up to whoever wants to look and believe that people care.

i have never felt more comfortable than i feel here (minus exceptions such as powell house). on the metro today i realized that i wasn't dwelling on how i looked or what other people were thinking or where i was going or what i had to do. i think i've reached a point where the only thing that matters is being compassionate, starting with myself and then expanding to others. it helps a lot to think about people i know that have died and how they felt about their lives: basically life is really precious and not something to be taken for granted or used stressing on little things. i'm just really grateful to be in a place right now where i can appreciate these things because i haven't always been and i know some people never get there.

on the relationship front i think distance is making a lot of things clearer. i am understanding my friends a lot better from the sparse communication available. i think it brings out people's unique qualities. like when you only get an email a week from someone, what does they say?

and here is another poem:

yes, and
my heart is wide open

love floods it like wine or
wine floods it like love -

i can't be sure or

there is no difference.